Desire

I realize every time I go to a show just how badly I want to play music. I am going to try and make more time for it I think. Drums was awesome, but its so much more difficult what with not being able to have my set next year or get lessons. I wanna pick up a guitar or a piano, I think more towards piano. I really really would like to play in my brother's band, that would be so great.

I'm so happy.

I'm riding this high all the way through to Christmas break. I'm so excited for the rest of this year. There is just so much good. Please come see me and all my friends in "A Christmas Carol" this weekend

On the verge.

I just don't get it.

Can I be good enough?

:(

Long day, many long days ahead. But Friday will be so good.

I may need a new phone...

Goooooood

Life is good. There is bad, there is sad, there is shitty, there is everything under the sun, but no matter what, life is good.

These past couple of days have been so fun. Family has been here which has been great and I've seen Gabby a bunch and its all just wonderful. I love everything and everyone, even though they have their flaws, they are all such beautiful people.

I'm on a high right now. This break has been so good. I'm nervous to get back to school though...

STILL SO GOOD!

I'm about ready to explode.

Fucking do something! You live in the greatest goddamn country in the world, you're given the most opportunities, and you're fucking wasting it. An 11 year old with leukemia is changing the world and you're fucking wasting away. Fuck this place!

You disappoint me.

You hypocritical bitch.

In other news: I love my friends. I'm having a good break so far but WTP makes me really nervous. And I really want to visit my broski in Ypsi.

Love

Man talks

Girlfriend

La Dispute

Everything was beautiful

And nothing was wrong.

Please

Can it all just be okay?

Quotes

"Never doubt that a small group of committed people can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has." --Margaret Mead

"I was half in love with her by the time we sat down." -- The Catcher in the Rye

"What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff - I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them." -- The Catcher in the Rye

"When a man cannot choose, he ceases to be a man." -- A Clockwork Orange

"Does God want goodness of choice or the choice of goodness? Is a man who chooses to be bad perhaps in some way better than a man who has good imposed upon him?" -- A Clockwork Orange

"Every saint has a past. Every sinner has a future." -- Oscar Wilde

"Ask her if she still keeps all her kings in the back row." -- The Catcher in the Rye

Aw. Yeah.

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I haven't been this excited in eons.

Siqq Tats

Tattoos I want:

• Outline of Michigan, filled in with mitteny fabric and looking like it's sewn on.
• Anatomical heart over my heart with the quote "When a man cannot choose, he ceases to be a man" from A Clockwork Orange around it.
• The words "Stay Gold" from The Outsiders
• The carousel image from The Catcher in the Rye

More to come.

PS: This is an awesome quote.
"Never doubt that a small group of committed people can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has." --Margaret Mead.

Well, I'm fucked.

I managed to generate a $80.00 overage on my cell phone. Add that to the $89.00 I still owe for my licensing fee and I am deeper in debt than I could have imagined. Goodbye Christmas...

No more idle hands

I really want to make Razia's Shadow into an onstage musical. I've been thinking about it all day. Sooooooooo good.

La

I love my girlfriend a whole lot.

SOOOOOOOOOOOOO GOOD!

Fuck

Fuck you. Fuck me. Fuck everything in between. Fuck life and fuck death. Fuck love and fuck hate.
Fuck black. Fuck white. Fuck blue and brown and green. Fuck you and fuck me and fuck everything in between.

Bum bum bum bum

I haven't posted in a while, but I will stay committed! This blog will stay active!

Life is good. I'm happy. I'm finally getting the hang of A Christmas Carol, the lines are starting to stick. I get to have my pictures taken on Thursday for the paper, that's pretty cool. I really don't like the spotlight though. Like, its sweet, and I'm super proud and honored to get the role, but its uncomfortable for me to have so many people looking on to me when I don't know if I feel like I deserve it. I'm so much more confident with my intelligence because I've always been told that it's there, but when it comes to doing anything else I just feel weird weird weird. And I feel like a cocky asshole for writing that.

I just found Razia's Shadow and I'm going to listen to it and apply for scholarships and apply to Eastern and work on WTP.

PS. Yo MSU. If you be readin dis, give yo boy a holla back. Can I comez to yo college?

Oh yeah

Go to this on Friday. I'm gonna win that damn contest...

Tomorrow is huge

Tomorrow will be one of the more important days in history in my short 17 years of life. I hope that those of you that are of age have registered and informed yourselves enough to make a decision tomorrow. Regardless of which candidates you cheese, make sure that your voice is at least heard. This election will decide the next 4-8 years of your life, make sure that you have a say in what happens. Let's get higher than 54% voter turnout this time!

Grumble grumble grumble

I'm poor as fuck. Fuck you $87 licensing fee.

So

I wasted the day away. But I feel really good right now.

I'm feeling inspired

Enlightened. Uplifted. I feel like the blackness I let myself sink into is beginning to fade.

I've seen more in the last couple of days and received words of wisdom from a number of wonderful people and I think I know what I must do.

There are so many things I want to do to help this world. And in however many lives I live, I will try to accomplish as many as possible. Right now though, I'm looking at one life. I am going to fill this life up as best as I can and help as many people as I can.

I will educate. I will heal. I will help. I will love.

I'm sorry.

But you really fucking piss me off. I am quickly losing ability to associate with you.

Untitled

I don't know how to not care!!! Sweeping under the rug is NOT a solution!!!

Link your arms and keep your chin up and I know that we'll be fine

My friends are making me nervous. I'm really scared that some people are going to get hurt and we are going to have feel more tragedy. Still, no one learns anything. I urge everyone to be careful this weekend. I don't know why, but I get really bad vibes about this weekend. I'm nervous. I don't want anything bad to happen to anyone. Please please please. I love you all so much and I don't want something awful to happen.

OMG

SAATBOTRBVAA!!!!

I think you should all know something.

My brother is one of the greatest people ever. Get to know him, he's super swell.

Hiding II

I do not need someone to hold on to. I need someone to hold onto me.

Hiding

I need to get myself under control. I'm still spiraling. I don't know what's going on. Nothing seems stable. I need to hold onto something.

Yipes.

Pretty tight weekend yo. Drama day was a lot of fun and the show was seriously awesome. Props to all the bands that played fo sho.

And now it's Sunday night. I can't tell you how much I'm dreading school tomorrow. I don't like that. It's my senior fucking year and everything is going well for me, I should be excited. But I'm in a shitty mood and I feel like everything is going wrong at school. I can't handle being around people. They make me so upset. Even my friends piss me off. I don't know what to do, I feel like I'm losing control. I just want to spend the rest of my life in a room with the people I can count on, the handful of you. To them: Thank you.

This is such a rant.

My point is I've been really down lately. And I really want to come up.

Don't You Ever Get Lonely

I haven't posted in a while... I'm so caught up with homework and general getting life in order right now. Big shits poppin in WTP and I'm trying to stay on track with the play. Plus, shit just hit the fan in newspaper and I'm trying to keep that in order and please crying teenage girls. Why did I take on all this again?

I feel like I'm learning a lot this year, a lot about life. Like how to be a free thinker and be respectful in doing so. I feel like I can more fairly and respectfully argue my ideas. I feel like I'm gaining a lot of life experience too. I feel like no matter what happens this rest of the year, which I think is going to be all rainbows and sunshine, I'm going to come out of it a better person. I'm growing up everyday. How silly is that?

Now I feel kind of melancholy. But not really in a bad way. Just subdued. That doesn't make any sense. Oh well. The important thing is I'm happy. I'm happy.

By the way

I am fully aware that I am a whiny bitch.

All I Ever Say is I'm Tired

I never sleep anymore.

I hate this. Why can't you still be in high school? Why can't you be on a reasonable schedule? I want to talk to you. I want to be with you. I want you to care about me.

Smile

Friday sucked. And then it was really great.

I am extremely frustrated with our society and my generation. I don't understand the things many seem to find joy in. I also don't understand how to separate my morals from my judgment, how to not be judgmental, and how to accept that actions don't define people's character. Sometimes, I'm a mess of hypocrisy and confusion.

But then faith is restored. I see the bright spots in our society and I get hope. I get hope that maybe something can good out of all this. I thank those of you that remind me of that every day. Thank you thank you thank you for showing me that there is good in the world.

I'm really happy and I'm really looking forward to tonight.

Wild World of Sports!

It's been a bit of a crazy couple of days.

First of all, I finished my app for State today. Holy shit, I'm an adult. I want to go read Catcher in the Rye. I am really excited, but I'm scared. I don't think I'm ready to leave childhood behind. I just don't know about anything...

Okay enough of that, goodness time. I am Scrooge in the play. Holy shit. Not at all expected, but I'm so fucking excited. AHH! I'm really proud of everyone who tried out and I'm so happy with this cast. It's going to be so much fun!!!

Gabby and I fought a bunch this weekend, but last night, we stayed up till two, cried, and figured it all out. Today was such a wonderfully happy day. I'm walkin' on clouds. I love it when things are just great. Oh boy oh boy oh boy.

Good times. More to come. I'm so happy right now.

Love is a beautiful thing.

Kids these days

I don't think I'll ever understand.

Losing faith

In myself. In my beliefs.

I fight an ongoing battle between the person I am and who I want to be, who I feel I should be. My morals and beliefs contradict the person that I am. Some days I know what's going on. Other days I'm lost.

Lately, I'm lost again...

I'm sorry if this offends you.

But Christians really piss me off. I know, this is a generality, but how can you give yourself the title of Christian, derived from Christ, a man you believed to be all loving and all accepting, and then hate people for their religion and their beliefs. Let's just love everyone and just accept who they are. Just because I don't believe in your god doesn't mean you have the right to convert me. I know you think I'm going to hell, but I don't believe in your hell, so that doesn't do us a whole hell of a lot of good.

I have no problem with spreading your message, but don't try and tell me it's your job to save me. I'll save myself.

Be your own god. Love yourself and never stop thinking.

Shit dog!

I got called back for Scrooge and Christmas Present... I'm so excited! But so nervous. I'm up against two of my best friends for Scrooge and its crazy. I hope no one is mad if one of us gets it. Crazy crazy. I've been working on the parts though, I'm feeling pretty confident. I really like my Scrooge monologue, except for the "Ah!" I gotta make something out of it. I feel like I'm using accents too, gotta watch that.

I'm crazy nervous, its all I can think about. YAHYAHSDFYEDAFHSDK SDHG!

HAHAHAHAH!

This school is a fucking joke. I now can't apply to college because three weeks into the school year my schedule is still not what it is supposed to be and I have to go through some dumb ass secretary to see my counselor. I have a list of questions I need answered and I can't even walk ten feet to see him for ten fucking minutes. So now I'm still stuck. I have until October 6 to get this application in. No doubt its going to take three months to send my transcript. If I get held out of college because of these fucks, I'm gonna raise hell. This is bullshit.

Oh and on top of that, halfway through the third week of school, we still don't have the right software on our Macs in newspaper. I sure would love to be able to actually fucking accomplish something in my class. And dumbass Mr. Modziers gets pissed at me because I can do his job better than he can.

This is ridiculous. I can't even learn or move forward or do anything in a fucking school!!!

September 22

Today starts the week. Things to do.

Catch up in WTP.
Apply to MSU.

These are fucking huge. I'm failing so hard right now. And I'm blogging instead of working on either. Fuck.

Tomorrow are Christmas Carol auditions. I'm scared shitless. I really want to do well and get a big part. I think my chances are good. Still intimidating though. We'll see what happens.

There is this thing called "See You at the Pole" sometime this week. A bunch of Christian kids are supposed to get together and pray at the flag pole before school. It's supposed to be a unifying movement or something. I really want to try and come up with some kind of protest, but I don't know what to do or really why I want to do it. I just have such a problem with everything I know about organized Christianity. Like it just seems like such a sheep thing to do, I don't feel like half the people that claim to be Christians really know their faith. The lose ideas I have of what Christianity is supposed to represent is wonderful. But when it comes down to actual execution, it fails. It seems like the people that have found God are the ones who are judging people, pushing others away, keeping other people down, and making choices that hurt themselves or others. Meanwhile, the Godless swine that I am tries to promote the opposite. I'm not trying to say I'm some amazing example, but I feel like I'm obeying Christian views better than many of my peers. What the hell am I saying? I'm judging people too. I do feel like I have some first hand experience though. I don't know. I hate everything. This is why this is called Holden Caulfield... Just do whatever the hell you wanna do. This is just my opinion. What do I know?

Try #5724

I've tried to make a blog like nine hundred times. I'm yet to have success... Maybe this will fair better.